Will (willicus) wrote in mugglesfordean,
Will
willicus
mugglesfordean

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Stolen from the LJ of greyshipcalling Just some Presidential race humor for y'all :)

Presidential Race 2004 as 6th Grade Lunchroom

SCHOOL LUNCHROOM. The DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES are sitting together at a table.

Enter BUSH, RUMSFELD, and CHENEY.

DEAN: Shh! Here he comes!

LIEBERMAN: Let's invite him to sit at our table!

The DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES glare. LIEBERMAN is silent.

KERRY: Anyone want ketchup? I've got a lot of ketchup here.

CLARK: Shut up, Kerry.

DEAN: Hey Bush, I hear you've been spreading rumors.

CLARK: Yeah! You told the principal that there was beer in Timmy Irack's closet!

DEAN: And no one ever found it! And now they've sold Timmy's house and put him in foster care!

RUMSFELD: Timmy Irack's parents never loved him anyway. He needed to be put in foster-care, for the good of the other children at school.

CLARK: I never got to play GI Joes with Timmy. I hate you, Bush!

BUSH: You're just jealous because I'm more popular than you. After all, I am class president!

SHARPTON: I didn't vote for you.

Enter GORE

GORE: Whimper.

DEAN: Yeeeaarrrgh!

The DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES giggle.

EDWARDS: Hey Dean, I thought your voice was supposed to have changed by now!

DEAN: Shut up, hick.

EDWARDS: Just because I am the first member my family to make it to 6th grade doesn't make me a hick!

The DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES sit in awkward silence.

SHARPTON: Anyway. We all know the only reason Bush won is because his dad held a bake sale to raise money for him.

DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES: Yeah!

BUSH: That is categoringly untrue. It wasn't a bake sale. It was a lemonade stand.

DEAN: I didn't know lemonade sold for $100 a glass. At a sit-down dinner. That only your dad's friends are invited to.

BUSH: Shut up, hippie.

LIEBERMAN: Why can't we all just get along?

CLARK: Seriously Lieberman, why don't you just go sit at Bush's table. We all know you want to.

LIEBERMAN: Just because I went to a sleepover at Bush's house last weekend doesn't mean I can't be friends with you guys, too!

The DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES glare. LIEBERMAN is silent.

A BELL rings, signaling the beginning of recess.

RECESS

BUSH: Let's play dodgeball. I'll be captain. I pick Rumsfeld, Rice, Powell, Ashcroft, and Cheney.

CHENEY: But, my heart!

BUSH: Oh. Right.

LIEBERMAN looks up excitedly.

BUSH: I guess we'll play a man down then.

LIEBERMAN looks down dejectedly.

DEAN: Ok, I'll be captain.

KERRY: How come you get to be captain? I want to be captain!

EDWARDS: No! It's my turn to be captain!

CLARK: No! Last week my team won without losing a single man!

DEAN: But you weren't chosen as captain, were you?

CLARK: No. But I just know I'd be really, really good at captaining!

KERRY: I am going to be captain! Give me the ball, Dean.

DEAN: Fine. But I'll get you for this, ketchup boy!

KERRY: Whatever. Time to pick teams! I want Dean, Clark, Edwards, Lieberman, and Sharpton.

SHARPTON: Why was I picked last? What are you trying to say? Why didn't you pick me first?

ENTER MOSELEY-BRAUN, GEPHARDT and KUCINICH

GEPHARDT: What about me!

KUCINICH: And me!

MOSELEY-BRAUN: Me, too!

The DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES stare.

KERRY: Do you even go to this school?

KUCINICH'S lip wobbles.

GEPHARDT bursts into tears.

MOSELEY-BRAUN: I hate you guys!

MOSELEY-BRAUN, GEPHARDT and KUCINICH run away, possibly to be homeschooled.

EDWARDS: That was weird.

KERRY: Yeah.

CLARK: Let's play!

BUSH: We have less players than you, so we get the ball.

DEAN: You like that logic, don't you, Bush?

BUSH: Yes.

The GAME begins.

RUMSFELD has the ball.

RUMSFELD: I just don't think this ball is enough. We need more force, Bush!

KERRY: Just throw it, Rumsfeld!

ASHCROFT: Watch it, Kerry. I know what books you check out of the library!

KERRY: That was RESEARCH!

RUMSFELD throws the ball.

SHARPTON is struck.

BUSH: Sharpton, you're out!

SHARPTON: That was a calculated attack on me!

RUMSFELD: Duh.

SHARPTON: I am appalled at the racism at this school!

KERRY: Sharpton, we're playing dodgeball.

SHARPTON: Oh, so now you agree with him! I see that I stand alone in defending my rights.

SHARPTON stands alone.

The DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES clearly win the game.

BUSH: Well, that was a victory, not just for us, but for all mankind.

LIEBERMAN looks on adoringly.

DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES: You didn't win.

BUSH: Yes, yes I did.

DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES: .....

BUSH: Thanks to my coalition, we achieved victory.

DEAN: Dude, that's not a coalition. That's the Spanish exchange student. We're not even sure if he speaks English.

BUSH: Well. Still.

KERRY: Next class election, you're going down!

LIEBERMAN: That's a little harsh, don't you think?

CLARK: Lieberman, I hate you.

EDWARDS: Yeah!

DEAN: Yeeeeaaaaaah!

The DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES snicker.

DEAN: Shut up, guys.

BUSH: You guys will never win! I am?too?.powerful.

BUSH morphs into a GIANT SEA MONSTER as the AUTHOR gets BORED with WRITING THIS.

The DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES look on stoically as they envision the REAL ULTIMATE POWER they will have after winning the 2004 election.

Copyright 2004
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